I am not just the fat friend or how to stay body positive! 😛
I do not go out very often. I was never a party person or big club goer. I prefer to spend my free time at home with my chinchilla, or meeting my friends and family. Just chinchiilling! 🙂
But sometimes I end up in a bar, chatting with some boys. One guy, that I sort of liked, talked to me and all the time he asked about my friend, the lovely skinny girl. And I felt just like the fat friend. The one, that has to be overlooked, the not so skinny and worthy one.
Then I was thinking. That guy did not like me, he prefered the tall, skinny girls. But does it mean, that my body is not good enough or not worth loving? For sure not. And that is why I decided to write this loveletter to my body. Basically to remember myself to love this body of mine! Because I am not skinny, nor that tall, I am curvy, I have ass, thighs and all the stuff. I am not perfect and never will be.
But I am still working on loving myself, on improving myself.
Dear body of mine,
you are with me for the last 30 years and let me tell you it was one very busy ride.
Growing up I fed you all the crazy stuff. I loved sausages, bacon, salamis, eggs and it was pretty visible on me. Then at 13 I wanted to drastically change it, so I did not eat anything. I became anorectic and my body was losing lot of weight rapidally.
I was a skinny skeleton, not looking like myself anymore. And then I gained weight. For the next couple of years I had some healthy weight. At around 17 years old I gained too much and then I lost it once again. Starting my first university I gained and then lost. And then gained and then lost. And then gained and then lost. The neverending circle of no weight control, of undereating, overeating, no eating, almost no eating,eating only evenings. It was very crazy and very challenging.
Thank you my lovely body for sticking up with me. For still functioning and not colapsing, because I had not taken good care of you.
I want to feed you healthy plant-based food, enough carbs, some sweets and fat. I want to exercise and be healthy. Because my dear body, I realy do love you! 1skgirl
This story is story of my grandfather told by my father. We sat together and he told me all of our family history in a very long conversation. It was not easy for him, it lasted many hours and I want to thank him. I love you dad. I do not tell you that often, but I really do.
Apuka and his life started in the year 1905. When he was born, there was still Austrohungarian empire. His siblings did not survived untill adulthood. He was the only one from 7 children, who lived longer than couple of months or years. My father pointed out, that he was never too healthy, he survived three heart attacks, he was shorter, skinnier man. But his life and legacy is a story of a strong personality and one very strong man.
Apuka´s parents were rather rich people. They owned their business and provided horse carriages. In the big industrial crisis their business also colapsed and they had to start something new. These times were the times of the first Czechoslovakia and it was really good enviroment for business. So it did not take them long time and they had a new business plan. They had big clothing store with many different fabrics. One of the biggest in agricultural city in the western Slovakia,where my father´s side of family is from.
My grandpa studied in the business academy and was fluent in Hungarian language. They even forced him to change his last name to Hungarian translation, but he refused. After his graduation he took care of the family clothing business and married quite young. He had three children and his wife was later the owner of family clothing store. He also had important position and was the commander of military guards.
He never became a member of the leading political party, but he knew a lot of politicians. He had one very famous teacher – Jozef Tiso, who later became the first Slovak president. He did not have a nice experience with him. He slapped his fingers because he spoke Slovak in the hallway of his high school. He was later kicked out of his job as the commander and received another job proposal to become the director of the main post office. Untill 1944 he had this powerful position and was also a passionate photographer.
In 1944 my dad said, that the Russians came. Well they came to liberate the city from Nazi Germans, which my dad angrily pointed out where no longer there. Most probably it was because the Slovak soldiers refused to give them all their weapons from the storages.
During this second world war liberation one of the bombs hit the family store and one another hit the family house. The second bomb hit only the garden of the house, but the first bomb killed the oldest daughter of the famly and apuka´s wife. It completely destroyed the store. Fortunately it did not hit the store, when the storage close to it was used as a shelter. My grandpa´s family helped another Jewish family to hide there. I asked my dad, if he knows the names or if they survived the whole war, but he was unsure. He told me, that it was family with multiple members and they hid there during the most difficult times of the second world war. He thinks, that they were also children and granparents hidding.
The spring, when apuka´s wife and daughter were killed was very hard for him. He suffered heart attack and last unction, that Christians believe is for dying people. He was simply dying, but had two children, who lost their mom and sister and wanted to make it for them. Fortunately he made it, but his good days did not last too long.
They discovered gun in his posession, which he had to own as a director of the post office. Some documents were missing and he was imprisoned as a political prisoner. He was in prison waiting for his trail, when one of the prison guards recognised him. It was the son of the Jewish family, that was hidding in the storage. He was immediately discharged and other prisoners gave him notes to their families. The next morning all of his fellow political prisoners were shot and killed without any trial. He had numerous notes from dead people. He came to the first family and they told him, what happened. He almost collapsed.
When the second world war ended he was a widower, without his family business, but with two 12 and 14 years old children. He did not have many skills to take care of his kids, so he decided to create a newspaper ad to search for a new wife. Back then somethnig very crazy. When he met my grandma she was 35 years old and they had my father in 1947. Other two sons followed in 1950 and 1954.
Communist time was also hard for apuka. He was yet kicked out of another job as the director of the post office. He was pictured as the son of the capitalist family and portrayed in a very bad light. He had problems to find another job, was unemployed for couple of years and eventually returned to the post office. He was the manager of the transport department. He worked there until his retirement and loved his job very much.
The year 1973 was very sad for my father. They demolished their house, because they wanted to enlarge the post office. They had many options, but since apuka was the capitalist, they pulled down their home. My father remembers this time very vivid and is allways sad to talk about it. Instead of the house they gave them three bedroom apartment. All 5 of them were living there. The two children from first marriage were older and lived on their own.
Apuka was also not a big fan of this flat, he missed his rabbits and dogs, because they could only have the smaller dog in their flat. As the years went by, he lived there only with his wife and my dad said, that they deeply loved each other.
Unfortunately I could never see this love or my grandfather. He was killed in 1979 by drunken driver. My father and his two brothers decided not to press charges against the driver. His killer was father of many children, worked for communist party and that evening was forced to drink during local political celebration. My dad had to push his tears while telling my, that one family life was destroyed and they did not want to destroy another one.
My grandma lived 20 more years without her husband. She was one very sad woman. I remember meeting her and never understanding why she is so sad and confused. She could never cope with her husband´s death and was depressed. For me as a child I knew something is wrong with her, I just never understood what. When she died I was about 14 years old and unfortunately I don´t have any nice memories with her.
And now, you want to know, why is my grandpa, that I never met my hero? Well, the answer is very simple. He was man of principles. He was Christian and strongly believed in God. He thought God saved many times his life and had a lot of his own experiences and attitudes. He visited many pilgrimage places and often found there his peace. His belief helped him to be strong and resistent. I really love his opinion, that communism and fassism are just two sides of the same coin. Eventhough I am not a practising catholic anymore, I still believe that morals are important. I believe, that all people are equal. I do not believe in labelling, hate and discrimination. And it makes me very sad, how our elections ended. I am very angry, that in our parlament we have people who say the stuff they say. Because for my it is not just some history, it is my family. And without my grandpa, without people helping him, there would simply be no ME.
I guess I always knew it.You and I are not going to work out.Because you know, we are too different.I am woman, this one Slovak girl.And you are the strong male.This charming prince on the white horse.I love my work, my business, my clients.You hate each single workday, that you spend in that office, babe.You told me that I should losesome more weight, some opinions or maybe just the annoying boyfriend?You treated me badly and I stillgave you this next other chance,as you promised just the last one.There is no more apologies for yourbad behaviour, your ignorant manners,the way you showed me each single day.That I am not worthy,not good enough,certainly not for you.Because maybe, it could be allcompletely different and changed.And you are just not good enough for me, for my life,for my time or for my love.Sometimes the fairytales don´t havethe sweet happy endingsand reality cannot be ignored anymore.You know what?I really feel happy again,because I have my next reason.Why being single is so great.there is nobody to tell me,that I am not good enough for them!
With love 1skgirl
It is something I never get used to, but it is a part of being a pet owner.
Just yesterday I was holding his sick little body, experiencing his last breaths on this earth.
And now he is gone. And me and my other chinchilla Chia are feeling alone. He suddenly died, no previous illnesses, just one single bad day and he is no longer here.
My black chinchilla named Blackie died suddenly just at the age of seven months. My veterinary doctor tried to help him, but he was not very responsive to fluids and shots given.
As I was holding him, feeling it is not going to be better, I was repeating – don´t die. Please don´t die. I was trying to nurture and hold him as much as I could, but he eventually died. I had him unfortunatly for only four months. Such a short time, really.
He had different character than my other chinchilla Chia. He was a very kind boy, he loved his sand and nuts. And Chia, oh, he loved her. We are both missing him very much. I feel heartbroken, I lost beloved one. It is scary, it is hard, it really sucks.
But sometimes it happens. Even if you wish him not to die. Even if you go to the doctor. Even if you do your best and take the best medical care ever possible.
It is the death and I cannot change it. Just accept it. Like everybody else.